Evil Protein Bar Tries to Freaking Trick Me Into Thinking That It’s Cake And It’s Not!!!!
REALLY?!?!? Are you jorking my neener (penis) right now?!?
Is it real or is it cake?!? More like IS IT CAKE OR IS IT A BIG FAT FUCKING LIE?!??
My FEELINGS ARE HURT.
First of all, yes, I’m an adult with the bravery to admit that birthday cake is amazing and it’s not just for children. “Oh it’s too sweet it’s like a big sugar bomb I would eat a little bit of the cake part but not the frosting it’s toooooo sweeeeeet” oh my freaking god grow up?? And I feel sorry for you. How ‘bout let’s ENJOY AWESOME STUFF BEFORE WE DIE?!? LIKE WHAT THE ****…?!?
I’m sorry that this is coming across as furious, it’s genuinely coming from a place of deep sadness and… confusion? Because, guys? What’s going on?! ANSWER ME!!! I’M SCARED :(
I turn to cake in times like these… times where I feel small and scared and… honestly… different? Growing up, I barely fit in… I was too smart for my public school, yet too stupid for my Jewish summer camp… and this made me… lonely. But there’s one thing that’s never made me lonely and that’s… cake.
I LIKE protein okay? I like protein but I also like HONESTY. I like SALMON and YOGURT AND I REALLY LIKE BEANS!!! Because they are protein and they’re not trying to LIE TO YOU about being cake. They’re just open with you. They don’t lie. Especially beans. When you eat beans, you know what you’re getting: beans!! Yum.
But this was NOT yum. I opened up this package that was covered in LIES like “I’m cake! I’m cake” Babe ur NOT CAKE. UR A BRICK OF SHIT. Im sorey if i’m spelling stuff wrong I am lltieraly openly sobbeing rn
LIKE LOOK AT THIS BULLSHIT. This looks like a gorgeous piece of Pillsbury FunfettiTM cake and you open it up and bite it and it’s literally garbage… I’m genuinely gagging the thought of how it tasted in my mouth.
When I swallowed it my entire body was screaming at me, “STOP! STOP! DON’T PUT THIS IN ME!!!! I HAVE BEEN GOOD TO YOUR YOUR WHOLE LIFE!! EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME WHEN I MADE YOU BARF ON HADES 360 AT MT. OLYMPUS BECAUSE IT WAS TOO FAST AND TOO UPSIDE DOWN. BUT OTHERWISE I AM A GOOD NICE BODY, I TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU, SO WHY OH WHY OH WHY DO YOU PUT THIS TASTE AND THIS TEXTURE INTO ME?! THIS IS NOT OKAY…”
I’m sorry that I betrayed my body by eating a bite of this and also a couple more bites because this singular bar cost me $7.59. Call me crazy but I think that would’ve been a reasonable price to pay if it was actual cake, or if it was actual meat or beans like protein is supposed to be. This, though, this was just not nice and not cool or honest… I am so sad right now.