6 Young Women Your Parents Wish Were Their Daughter Instead Of You
Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!! It’s fall, y’all!! Y’all, have you heard?! It’s time for Thanksgiving, fall, turkey day, autumn, and the Big Ole MACY Day Parade™!
Though this is a time for contemplating the extremely sordid past of our country–on account of all the killing, theft, and more/worse that our forefathers did–it’s also undoubtedly a time for family. If you’re like me and have not managed to acquire a “chosen family” of any kind (due to social unlikability), this time of year will surely be spent with, say it with me, MOM and DAD! Shout the eff out for raising us, Mom and Dad!
Let’s not pretend your parents think you’re perfect though. There are plenty of shining, beautiful and inspiring women that Mom and Dad would legit kill to have as a daughter instead of you. Here are six of them!
Abbi Linda Jameson
Abbi Linda is basically your mom’s rock these days. She’s Mom’s neighbor’s daughter, she has a landscaping business and she mows Mom’s lawn for a discounted price. She has a boyfriend she met during high school track and field, and unlike you, she may give her mother grandchildren soon because she’s not on the pill–which you are, to Mom’s dismay! Please, honey, just use a diaphragm like she did when she was your age, please!! Those pills have ruined your complexion.
Martha Wherewithall
Where all to begin with Martha? Martha is the office administrator at Dad’s work and–of her own volition, without being asked–she once sent Mom a bouquet for her birthday. She has a job and she knows Mom’s birthday?!?! That’s Martha two, you zero. AND, when asked if she would be having kids soon, she told Mom, “hell yeah! I want kids ASAP!” Damn. You don’t stand a chance against Martha Wherewithall. You and that damn pill UH GAIN.
Amelia Errheart (sp?)
Yeah, I don’t know. I guess Dad’s always talking about that dream of buying his own little plane when he retires, and pilots are just randomly really inspiring to him…? It doesn’t make much sense, because Amalia Errhart (sp?) died while flying and was clearly just in it for the clout. Not only do you not have a job or a boyfriend, you also don’t have a hobby, like flying. Fuck. As long as Dad knows who Amerlerer Earpants (sp?) is, you’re always gonna look like dogshit.
Baleigh Aderondakk
Baleigh is a goddamn freak, but your parents respect the hell out of her devotion to her faith. Not only does she show up to church every Sunday and Wednesday, she also noticed when your parents missed services one week because they were in Florida. The next week, she asked them “where were y’all? We missed you last Sunday! And so did the Lord!” What is she, a fuckin’ preist or nun or some shit?!?!?! Who are you kidding, you are completely godless! It’s sad.
Madeleine Libman (me)
Unfortunately (though I hate to toot my own horn, as it were) yes, your parents do wish I was their daughter. I don’t have much going for me, but I’m really emotionally dependent on my own parents. I always buy them a cheap but thoughtful gift for mother’s day/father’s day and for Hanukkah (but not their birthdays for some reason). Though I can offer you counseling on how to be a better (aka needier) daughter, I unfortunately won’t be able to step in and take your place, because I’m busy watching the Great British Baking Show with my own Mom and Dad.
Tooky Bevvers
Tooky Bevvers is the mayor of your hometown. I seriously don’t understand what your parents see in her, because she genuinely has nothing going for her other than being mayor. She was the only candidate when she ran, and was elected by default, but your parents go buck wild for this random ass chica. They show up to the monthly town hall forums, just to hear her speeches. Thanks for setting an impossible standard you’ll never live up to, Mayor Bevvers.
Yeah, I mean, upon studying this list of candidates, it seems pretty fair that your parents would prefer to have any of these women as a daughter over you. Especially me! Happy Turkey Day!