Doctors Urge Women to Stop Aging
There has always been societal pressure for women to “keep it tight” and remain youthful, but a group of doctors is now urging women to stop aging. “If women don’t stop aging, they will die,” said Dr. Billy Heston, an OB-GYN’s friend, in an interview with Tease and Resist.
Dr. Heston and his group of outspoken doctors have been seen confronting women at super markets, gyms, and directly outside of women’s restrooms. I watched Dr. Heston tell a woman that her eye bags were a sign of “decay” as she tried entering the bathroom at a local Italian restaurant. “Take an eye bag! They’re on discount!” the woman told Dr. Heston before swiftly punching him in the face. While her comeback didn’t make any sense, the sentiment was clear. “Her time is limited,” Dr. Heston told me later. “Not because I’m going to kill her. I wouldn’t do that. But…her life will end very soon. Because of her age.”
I wanted to get a clearer idea of why these doctors were so concerned about women getting older, so I sat down with two members of Heston’s group at one of their mansions in the North Shore.
“We go by the Agists,” said Dr. Catchmemoaning, an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in boob related back pain. He quickly took a hit from his oxygen tank. It should be noted that Dr. Catchmemoaning is eighty-six years old. “We couldn’t figure out why we were so repulsed by older women, but then we realized it’s because the older a woman gets the worse she looks,” he continued.
Dr. Nang, a World War II era podiatrist and member of the group, adjusted his hearing aid before explaining that women look worse with age because they look more dead. “I know I’m a doctor, but I hate seeing dead people,” Dr. Nang said. “That's why I try not to kill any of my patients.”
I thought I’d take things further by asking Dr. Catchmemoaning about some of the pictures of him and his wife around the house. “I have her replaced every five years,” he stated. “I’ll go to bed one night and wake up with an updated version of my wife next to me. Pretty seamless, I must say.” He then coughed until he farted. Dr. Catchmemoaning continued to explain how until women choose to stop aging, the only way to keep a woman around is to regularly replace her.
In recent months the Agists’ message has started to gain momentum outside of the medical field. Prominent figures in Hollywood such as Leonardo DiCaprio, Bradley Cooper, and Tobey McGuire have been sharing #stopaging on social media to promote women staying young. “I advocate for the planet and for women’s lives,” Leonardo DiCaprio posted on X. “Ladies, please, don’t let the faucet run and do something about those crows' feet.”
Dr. Heston asked me to note in the article that the group is still looking for a female spokesperson for Agism. “We are desperate,” Heston said. “We’ll literally take anyone. Anyone under thirty…and over twenty-five.”