Picture this: it's a cozy Friday night in with friends; drinks are flowing, the pizza’s just been delivered, and the function is in desperate need of an activity. Sure, we could pop on some YouTube like we always do, or we could crack open a box of Clue and learn how we all deal with being lied to.
Full disclosure: I come from a board game family. My father was a board game, my father’s father was a board game, you get the idea. I understand that makes me a little biased in this area. And I'm not an idiot, I know that not everyone wants to spend the limited and perpetually shrinking free time we have in this capitalist hellscape unearthing the darkest parts of their roommates– but isn't that all the more reason to expedite that shit? It can take years to form lasting connections with friends, even longer to get to know them on an intimate and personal level. Give me one night locked in a basement with three strangers and Ticket to Ride and I will know what ruined their parents' marriages by sunrise.
There is nothing that reveals someone's innermost turmoil, their deepest flaws, and their greatest strengths, quite like a board game. You want to know if your partner’s a long termer? Monopoly time, baby. Not sure if your mom’s new work friend makes the cut? Sit Lisa down for some Risk. Trying to get to the root of your anxious avoidant attachment style? I wish you the best of luck, seriously. That's hard work. Much, MUCH harder than Catan, which is actually pretty rudimentary if you– wait no come back, please keep reading.
I'm here to tell you that your government has failed you–and not in the way that you think. If you have been on the Internet over the past five years, then you have likely been a victim of the anti-intellectualist rhetoric driven by mobile game propagandists that have plagued board game enjoyers like myself for too long. Assertions such as “it takes too long to learn :(“ and “there are too many rules” and “can't we just compromise and play some Quiplash? Everybody loves Quiplash!” And to that I say I would sooner kill myself with a gun before I lose to ‘cum’ again.
My fellow Americans, I implore you to resist what society has taught you about board games. We're adults, we can figure things out. We are intelligent, and kind, and capable of communing over a pair of dice and a colorful cardboard map–heck, maybe even a deck of cards. We can build back the world they've stolen from us, but we have to do it together. After all, board games aren't meant for single players.
And just in case my gentle appeal to your sense of humanity isn't working: GROW. UP. AND. PLAY. WITH. ME. PLEASE. Are we in kindergarten?? Why are we complaining about learning?? Are we that poisoned by our phones that we can't take ten minutes to– I SAID PLEASE KEEP READING–twenty minutes to learn basic instructions on how to buy and trade resources in exchange for the building of settlements and roads, all while discovering that perhaps greed really is an innate part of the human condition?? That doesn't sound remotely fun to you?? All because Big Jackbox is conditioning you to prefer short-form party games so you can work more and pay attention to the police less?? Do you actually hate fascism?? Learn how to play a board game, sheeple. Do the work.