10 Things NOT to Do When You Come Down to Florida for Spring Break
Hi, it’s me! A Florida girl through and through, born and raised. I practically bleed swamp water on my period. Eww that actually is gross. I am sorry. I bleed margaritas on my period. You know what, I am going to stop making period jokes.
Anyways. It’s March, which means the rest of America is boarding planes to “do” Florida for a week. And as someone who actually lives here, and has survived multiple spring break seasons in Sarasota, here is what not to do.
Trust a Man With a Boat
If he says, “You should come out on the water sometime”, ask three follow-up questions: Does it have shade? Is there a bathroom? And do you respect women? Because what you think will be a yacht day will become: no sunscreen, no snacks, and six men from Boca fishing and trying to convince you to invest into bitcoin. And even worse, you will be stuck with these guys in the middle of the fucking ocean. NIGHTMARE!!! Not worth it. Boat culture in Florida is either stuck up billionaires fantasy, or Facebook Marketplace catastrophe. No in between.
Buy The Plastic Bag Drinks at The Beach
There is this new tourist trend happening, where anyone can make a whole bunch of cocktails at home, put them in plastic bags, pack it in a cooler, and hand them out at the beach. If someone on the sand offers you a “special Capri Sun”, politely decline. It is not juice. It is a warm ‘Patron’ mixed with something that was once fruit-adjacent. You will be drunk by 11:37 a.m. You will be sunburned by noon. By 2:00 o’clock, you will bond deeply with a 55-year-old woman who will pray for you. And by 5:00, you will wake up from a beach nap that will age you by about 15 years. However, if you are into that kind of party, then proceed with caution.
Only Use Tanning Oil. (no girl, seriously listen to me)
Baby, let me hold your bikini strings when I say this… the Florida sun is a merciless god, and it will take no pity on your weak tender pale midwestern skin. You stand absolutely no chance, so don’t even CONSIDER purchasing that tanning oil. It will not turn you into a golden goddess. It will not give you that Florida Sun Kissed look. This is FALSE PROPAGANDA. It is frying oil to your skin, it might as well be called SkinCancer3000. You will burn, and crisp, and itch, and shed like a distressed lizard in a Shein cover up. You know what to do, you need to put that medical grade type shit all over your body. That thick ole, embarrassing, zinc-looking, SPF 50. You will thank me later.
Go to Miami With A Group Of Your Closest Girlfriends
Miami does not strengthen friendships. It tests them. Miami is not just a city, but a fluorescent, unforgiving spotlight that is angled at your deepest darkest insecurities. This city has a population of BBL baddies, iridescent influencers, and men who legit own helicopters FOR RECREATION. Miami is wealth, Miami is Spanish, and Miami is a reminder that you only have $107.16 in your checkings account. You will realize very quickly that not everyone can fit into Miami, but the thing is….one of your friends might. And that’s where things get interesting. Because suddenly she’s getting pulled past the velvet rope while you’re explaining to a bouncer that your dress is vintage (even though you know damn well it is a Forever 21 dress you thrifted from Goodwill). Venmo requests will start to feel personal. And the Uber you bought your friend last night when she was throwing up feels like unpaid emotional labor. Girls, just don’t do it. Miami doesn’t create insecurity, but reveals it. Plus if you’ve known each other less than three years? Forget about it. This trip is a psychological experiment.
The Magic Kingdom, 3pm On A Saturday.
Yes, Disney, you have to go. It’s magical, and one of the biggest reasons to come to Florida in the first place. But, also it’s 94 degrees outside, the wait time for a six-minute ride is going to be three hours long, and your only meal option costs $28 and tastes like Minnie’s pussy covered in fryer oil. It is an exhausting place, that is packed, balls to the walls. Everywhere you look, there is either a loudly crying baby, or a silently crying mother. And the deeper you stare, the more you realize that our society is getting closer and closer to the movie Wall-E everyday. If you must go to Disney World, ignore the Magic Kingdom until it is night time to go see the firework show, because that is a pretty cool experience. If it is 3pm, and you are in disney world, go to Epcot! I promise it is not boring at all. It will not be busy, there is a ton of shade, and a ton of great food. And also, the drinks are FIRE. Drink a prosecco in France, and then a margarita in Spain, and finish off some sake in Japan. After a good little buzz and a good little waltz, you will COMPLETELY understand why Disney adults are the way they are.
Smoke Weed Publicly While Being A Gorgeous Girl In A Bikini
First of all, weed is not recreationally legal in Florida, so be very cautious of that. But more importantly, there is nothing that attracts a 47-year-old man in board shorts faster than the visible outline of a joint and a group of gorgeous young women. If you and your homegirls decide to spark up on the beach in your cute little bikinis, just know this will make a man materialize within seconds. He will be shirtless, overconfident, and saying something like, “Y’all need better weed than that.” He will sit down and he will go through his camera roll and show you his 3 kids, his old band he used to play for when he had hair, and his ex-wife that “cheated on him like a million times”. Oh, and don’t forget, you are high, and socially conditioned to be polite, so you will forget how to eject a grown man from your towel. So now you’re giggling nervously, and he’s asking where y'all are staying. And then you become extremely aware that you are in a bikini and your brain is moving at half-speed. This is not the vibe. This is again, a nightmare. Florida men are bold, not evil, but bold in ways that feel aggressive when you are exposed and elevated. If you’re going to partake in weed in Florida, be strategic, be together, and be aware. Maybe don’t advertise it to the entire coastline.
Assume the Restaurant in the Strip Mall Is Bad
Rookie mistake. Some of the best food of your life is hidden between: a vape store, a tax service, and a KUMON Math and Reading center. Florida strip malls hold treasure, so you must keep your eyes peeled open. That suspicious Indian place? Spiritual awakening. That Cuban restaurant with the flickering open light on? Religious experience. The shiny beach bar on Siesta Key? Microwave shrimp and a $19 Gin and Tonic. Judge nothing by its exterior here, you are five feet away from a life changing pad thai. In Florida, if the parking lot looks slightly dangerous, the food will change your life.
Read People’s Bumper Stickers
Just don’t. They are really scary. Like really really scary. Some people's bumper stickers will straight up threaten to shoot you if you get close enough to the car to read it. Some Florida bumper stickers will remind you that there are still indeed a lot of anti-vaxxers out there who are proud. And legit some Florida bumper stickers will say “Charlie Kirk is our new Jesus.” Remember what you came to Florida for, sunshine and margaritas. Don’t let these bumper stickers give your stomach that deep dark dread of the state of the world we are in right now.
Don’t Assume Everyone Is On Vacation
Some of us live here. Me. I live here. And we are not in a permanent spring break montage, we are not just some NPCs in your beach fantasy. We, the people of Florida, are trying to go to Trader Joe’s without you wandering into the middle of Tamiami Trail like a god damn idiot. This especially goes for the older men who treat Florida like it’s an all-inclusive resort where every woman in a crop top is part of the amenities package. Let me be clear; your bartender is not flirting with you, your server is not your vacation girlfriend, and the girl at the tiki bar is not impressed that you’re “staying at the Ritz.” Yes, you tipped $100. Thank you so much. Yes, you bought a round of shots and offered me one during my shift, which I did drink and very much appreciate. But no, I am not coming upstairs. Do not touch me. I am clocked in. Enjoy your vacation. Truly, have fun and spend money. Just remember , when you leave, we’re still here. Trying to make it through this season.
Be Sober
Here’s the thing. If you come to Florida determined to observe it like a documentary, arms crossed, fully hydrated, morally superior– you are not going to have a good time. This is not a disciplined sober minded state. This is an indulgence state. Florida runs on excess, sunburns, tequila, and impulse decisions. It’s paradise, yes. And it’s paradise with no shame. If you insist on standing outside of that energy, judging it, dissecting it, trying to make it make sense, you will be alienated fast. Because no one here is trying to be reasonable. They’re trying to feel good. These people of Florida, they aren’t monsters, they are just incredibly weird opinionated people who love their booze, love their opinions, and love to get drunk and dance with their girlfriends that are half their age. That being said, you do not need to black out. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But at least loosen up. Have a drink. Take a puff. Don’t clutch your pearls while everyone else is dancing. Florida is a sunshine state of mind. And either you swim with it, or you spend the whole trip drowning, wondering why everyone seems to be having fun but you.