ACAB: I’m Talking to YOU, Spotify Wrapped
We’re living in a world where everything is policed. Crime, the internet, bathrooms, MUSIC TASTE. Every new year, people flock to instagram to share their Spotify Wrapped. Hypnotized by shapes, colors, and dangerous group think, they put their list of top artists, genres, and songs on display. The eyes of the entire internet-having world dart toward them. As they feel the gaze upon them, they take a closer look at their list and something catches their eye:
Oh no! I didn’t want anyone to know that my third most listened to song this year was “Big and Chunky” from the Madagascar 2 soundtrack! I’m supposed to be cool! I’m supposed to listen to Phoebe Bridgers and Chappell Roan and some other artist that will make me seem deep and thoughtful! It was a joke, I swear!
The Wrapped Police don’t care if it was a joke. They will present “Big and Chunky” to your peers as though “Big and Chunky” is a core piece of your identity. You now love children’s music. You only listen to will.i.am. You wish you were a big ol’ hippo, don’t you?
Remember when you listened to Joe Rogan to see how men could possibly fall into his trap? The Wrapped Police decided to tell all your friends that you are a raging Republican. In fact, they recommended some new podcasts they think you’ll love: A Woman’s Place is in the Kitchen and I Hit My Wife.
We scroll through Spotify’s endless catalogue of songs to find just the right song to play while cooking spaghetti for one. But all the while, we feel Big Brother Wrapped’s eyes on us. Do I want to listen to “Tell Me, Ernest” from the smash Broadway musical Death Becomes Her? Yes. It’s a great song and Megan Hilty is Mother. Do I want to be labeled “Great White Way Mid-Tempo Pilates Princess” in four months? No. I would much prefer it if my coworkers never find out that I am a recovering theatre kid.
“But Fran,” you say, “why don’t you just NOT post your Spotify Wrapped?” It’s not about the posting. It’s about the knowledge that every song I play, every podcast I listen to, every first 5 minutes of an audiobook I “read” before I get bored is POLICED by Big Wrapped. Big Wrapped doesn’t really know us. Big Wrapped prescribes us labels and makes suggestions based on the arbitrary touch of a screen. On January 2nd, the Wrapped Police are already keeping tabs on your every move for the next year. And, what’s this? They somehow found your address. They learned your family’s secret apple pie recipe. They went to your kid’s school and seduced their teacher. No step is too far for Big Wrapped.
In conclusion: Keep your Pig AI off my music.