IBS? More Like International Bitch Syndrome! This Woman Hasn’t Pooped in 6 Days And is a Bitch.

The link between gut health and brain health is crucial to a healthy mental and physical life. The importance of gut health can not be understated. Lily, 29, urbanite, un-self-aware yuppie, hasn’t pooped in six days. What used to be known as IBS, irritable bowel syndrome, has not become known worldwide as IBS, international bitch syndrome, an illness characterized by not being able to poop and being a bitch. 

IBS can manifest in innumerable ways across the years. Telling waitstaff “Gimme some ranch;” cursing at the Jewel Osco employee “Where’s the ranch, dammit;” even going to a state fair screaming “If JB Pritzker doesn’t give me some of his ranch, I’m voting red. I am. He’s had enough ranch. The Right will take me. I’m fair skinned [white] and loooove boats [white].” All of these case studies are real life examples from Lily’s day to day. 

Asked about her affinity for ranch and if that affects her IBS, she replied “I really can’t talk right now. I just got a pap smear and have the longest birth canal they’ve ever seen. Turns out my uterus is in my chest cavity. Makes sense why my lady time comes out like Niagara Falls.”

Asked to stay on track and focus, Lily replied “it’s really hard to have IBS, ya know? Pooping is like…essential? Like food and water. Obviously. Because you poop those out. So to struggle with an illness like this for the last two years…it’s been harrowing.”

Asked to clarify if she meant irritable bowel syndrome or international bitch syndrome, Lily rolled her eyes. “Question my intelligence once, shame on you. Question it twice, shame on me. I’m just a dumb bitch who can’t remember words to acronyms. Oh–wait–no–oh–wait–hold the–wait– uh, that’s you, mami. Try and get your thoughts in a row before you mouth off.

International Bitch Syndrome is widely under-researched, being mostly confined to like three women who are just fucking pieces of work. More research to come.