TRANS PEOPLE ARE DOING IT WRONG
Cis people, do not even feel like you have to read this. I am finally taking a stand against the gender CULT that has taken over our fine country. I will give trans people the literary chastising they deserve. Feel free to take a load off, drink a Bud Light, and have some awesome heterosexual sex. You deserve it!! I’ll handle these FREAKS!
Okay, they’re gone. God, that hurt my hands to type. I wasn’t completely lying though, I am here to deliver a bit of a chastising to my community. But not about what you might think. Trans people, we are doing it wrong. We’ve become too predictable. If we want to avoid being erased, we need to become uncontrollable. Let’s talk about it.
1) Bathrooms
Bathrooms are central to many anti-trans legislation arguments because this is where people feel the most vulnerable. Trans or cis, everyone hates the idea of feeling threatened while dropping a huge shit. That’s just human nature.
We’ve been going back and forth about this for far too long. You may ask, “Don’t trans people also deserve to go to the bathroom?” Yes, we do. The mistake we make is that we are fighting to get inside THEIR bathrooms. Trans women, I know it would be nice to pee with the ladies but let's get real...Those lines are LONG. Trans men, I know you want to whip out your metaphorical dick at the urinal with the rest of the guys, but we all know it smells like someone died in there. Nonbinary people, I know we just want every bathroom to be gender-neutral, but then every bathroom will have a long line AND smell like death.
The real solution? We return to the ways of our gay ass ancestors and just make the world our bathroom. I would suggest some cishet-beloved spaces like the alleys of Wrigleyville, outside of a Drybar, or on your local pickleball court to really piss them off (pun intended). Yeah, we’ll have to carry around our toilet paper, but that is a small price to pay to reconnect with the freedom our ancient trans elders once felt.
2) Pronouns
Here’s where we’ve become too predictable— they’ve become way too important. THIS IS NOT ME TRYING TO INVALIDATE PEOPLE!!!! Quite the opposite.
Would it be nice to hear them from other people’s mouths? Yes. However, we have given cissies way WAY TOO much power. It is so disheartening to see a hot trans person get the wind knocked out of them because of one misgendering from a crusty Republican.
The solution to this may seem simple. Yes, calling a transphobe the wrong pronouns might make them mad. I think we need to go a step further. NOTHING will make them fume more than simply revoking the card of existence from them. A transphobe tries to intimidate you, so you merely look right past them. Someone tries to deadname you, huh was that the wind? A cis person breathes, fart without any consideration.
3) Behaving “normally”
Many among us, including me, have most likely thought about “toning it down” recently. I know I won’t be the first to point this out, but this is exactly what they want us to do. They want us to slowly inch ourselves back into the closet until we wake up, look around, and realize we are surrounded by our old camp tie-dye t-shirts from the early 2000s.
People will say that the way to combat this is obviously by just continuing to be trans. However, this is where we’ve become too predictable. They know that we will keep being trans because they know that is what we are. What they won’t expect is us being trans and actively working to become a domestic threat.
Murder, grand theft auto, maybe even stealing from self-check-out. They’ll never be able to catch us because we are the ultimate manipulators of our appearance. They can’t even catch cis people that commit crimes and they wear the same outfit all the time. Do you think they’re going to know how to hunt down a genderfluid baddie who switches their look 5 times a day? Get real!
TLDR: Shit on the floor, ignore cis people, and commit crime. If you have any questions, contact me via trans-encoded messaging so the cis people don’t realize I didn’t give you the chastising I was supposed to. XOXO stay safe!