I'm Tired Of Pretending My Sexual Awakening Wasn't During King Kong (2005)
Bestie, I’m tired. I'm tired of pretending my first love was Drew Seeley in Another Cinderella Story. I’m tired of acting like the first time my underwear turned into a Wisconsin Dells water park was because of Mr. Darcy’s hand flex (admittedly, the most sensual representation of physical yearning in film history).
I’m exhausted, fatigued, worn out, goddamit, by keeping my sexual awakening a secret. Because the princely kiss that awoke the sleeping princess in my pants was King Kong (2005).
King Kong (2005) is Peter Jackson’s larger-than-life remake of the 1933 classic. Unbeknownst to everyone watching, this remake would be anything but classic. It would be horny. Very, very horny.
And what I, a young seven-year-old child, wasn’t expecting to see was the hottest human sacrifice in film history.
The movie follows a group of filmmakers on their way to the ominous Skull Island, where aspiring actress Ann Darrow is sacrificed to a giant ape.
Ann Darrow is aboard the SS Venture when she is captured by Skull Island natives (an intensely problematic depiction of indigenous cultures). Once on the island, Ann is dragged by her captors to a makeshift St. Andrew’s Cross, bound, and adorned with a necklace, making her look like the consummate submissive in a BDSM relationship.
Clothes soaked, nipples hard, bound against her will, I wanted her, but even more so, I wanted to BE her. At the ripe age of seven, I longed for the days of adulthood when I could (consensually) be tied against my will and sacrificed.
My heart pounded along with the drums on the screen, quickening with every beat. Breaths left my mouth in a staccato rhythm. Thighs quivered. It wasn’t until much later, when I was much older, that I recognized the feeling. I was horny.
I was a child and I was horny for a woman sacrified to a 25-foot beast. I could’ve been normal. I could’ve kissed posters of the Jo Bros or written One Direction fanfic.
But no, I discovered my sexuality and budding BDSM kink during a Universal monster movie starring Jack Black.
So, if anyone wants to bind and collar me, text me at [number redacted].