Man Solves Trolley Problem By Severing His Own Penis

In a stunning display on Thursday afternoon, a man saved the day by doing what many thought was impossible: severing his penis using nothing but a butter knife and sheer willpower. 

It was a day like any other: by which we mean there was a trolley car barrelling dastardly towards a fork in the rails. Down one path, a family of four was tied to the tracks, screaming and begging for assistance. Down the other path, a singular person in the prime of their life was also tethered to the tracks. 

The tools at the public’s disposal? A lever, set to send the trolley barrelling towards the family or the individual. A moral quandary ensued amongst the townsfolk: Do we kill one to save the masses? Or is any death at all weighted as heavily as the deaths of many? The town was split… and in this stalemate, people were certain there was no hope of consensus.

Suddenly, a hero arose from the mist. He decreed, “I’ve got it! The solution! I will sever my penis! And that will save the day!” The townsfolk were confused… Surely severing a penis, be it yours or someone else’s, would not stop the trolley from smooshing the melon heads of innocents? But the man was persistent. 

He got to work, butter knife in hand, hacking away at his junk. As he worked, he kept assuring the crowd, “You’ll see! You’ll all see! I’ll be a hero! They’ll write about me! Just let me finish!”. It became clear at this point that the man had ulterior motives. Clearly… he was deriving some sexual pleasure from the act. But the townsfolk were frozen in inaction, and they all watched awestruck as the man continued to hack away at his now partially severed member.

Suddenly,: a miracle occurred. The trolley, which had been barrelling down the track at 75 miles per hour, began to slow. It was running out of gas! The townsfolk looked on in awe. Right as the trolley reached the dreaded fork in the road, it ran completely out of gas. 

It stopped, mere moments from destruction, leaving all of the potential victims unscathed. The crowd cheered! It was a miracle! God was real! No one noticed the man with the bloodied crotch stumble away with a smile on his face. He had saved the day, and no one would remember his name.