Dowdy Suburban Mom Listens to Prince Once, Becomes Bona Fide Sex Machine
Local Minnesotan Sheila White was just an ordinary stay-at-home mom. Her days consisted of making lunches, pretending to be invested in soccer games, and being a little too into the label of “boy mom”. An active member of the PTA, White blended into the backdrop of suburbia like a culturally insensitive hairpiece at Coachella. The only issue? White was unsatisfied. Her husband Carl hadn’t so much as touched her in months. It wasn’t until a chance encounter with The Purple One that her life changed forever.
It was your typical afternoon in the White house (not that one, thank god). Sheila had just finished doing ten loads of laundry, mostly consisting of the crispiest socks you’ve ever seen (boy mom alert!). Just as she was about to huff some of her Downy Rinse and Refresh to take the edge off, she heard a strange melody wafting in from next door. Her feet lifted off the ground as she floated toward the music like a cartoon bear smelling a pie on the windowsill.
She found herself in the garage of her fellow Gen X neighbor, Heidi. Demanding to know what this siren song was, Heidi explained that she was listening to Prince’s Purple Rain soundtrack. Heidi was shocked to learn that Sheila had never so much as heard Little Red Corvette. Of course, Sheila had posted a purple square on her Facebook in 2016 after The Artist Formerly Known as Prince had passed away; she was only human after all. Heidi cued up Darling Nikki. As Prince sang about masturbating with a magazine, something strange happened: White changed. Her hips began to sway, her head began to bob, and her sexual appeal went up by at least twenty-three percent.
In the following days, Mama was on the prowl. It started small, introducing smut that read as flamboyant and queer, but later on turned out to be kinda homophobic to her Christian book club, books with titles like: Fool Me Once, Shame on You; Fool Me Twice, Fuck the Taste Outta My Mouth, It’s Less Intimidating with the Lights Off, and Heartstopper. She was bringing pot brownies to PTA meetings, flashing the ref at Pee-Wee soccer games, little things. Then came the outfits. She became the first woman to rock assless chinos. She customized her readers to have a third lens at the top. She only wore leather thongs, much to her gynecologist's dismay.
She was a bona fide sex machine. She partied like it was 1999, Kool-Aid Jammers, Presidential abuses of power, second Chenchen war, and all. Sheila White: Boy Mom was no more. Not if the courts had anything to say about it. What happened to Carl? We have no idea. Did they finally Kiss? Did he finally get his Little Red Corvette wet? When Doves Cry? Legend has it she sexed him up into oblivion, giving that man more than he deserved.
The most important lesson White learned? Clapping on the two and the four.