Marvel’s Strategy for Capitalizing on the Rise of Psychosexual Freak Movies
Hi, I’m Mr. Marvel and I just found out everyone loves all that freaky shit now. The Piano Teacher this, Secretary that. What about Iron Man :( His heart is metal, is that something? Is that Cronenbergian? Who am I kidding? Iron Man is so effing normal. I’m gonna lose my effing job because I’m not freaked out. All this time everyone told me, “cancel culture is gonna get you; whatever you do, don’t be a pervert.” Now look at me. I’m gonna go bankrupt for my frigid prudish tendencies. I would come out as asexual to try and garner sympathy but, let's face it, no one takes those people seriously.
We first noticed the rise of the psychosexual movie genre when I saw my 19 year old niece log Videodrome on Letterboxd with the caption “me”. Really, Anna, you are a porn broadcaster who sticks VHSs into your stomach and fucks on a TV crazy style? I’ve never seen you do that at Thanksgiving, but sure, whatever.
When we noticed the trend we jumped into action because we knew if DC got their hands on this before us we would be done for. Half their characters already wear leather body suits and intense eyeliner. We are not blind to the fact that we are the sexless superhero company.
We had no other choice. We forced Ant-Man to get into hardcore shabari. To be fair he seemed the most open to it out of all of them. We obviously would have rather had one of the hot ones, like Hulk, but he wouldn’t fit in the leather harness. We even tried Doctor Strange but, despite the name, he is vanilla as the day is long.
Once we let Ant-man loose on his new journey we realized we were in way over our heads. He went on a sexual rampage and broke a lot of hearts. He singlehandedly shut down Feeld five minutes into his profile being live. But not before he love bombed seven polycules and broke up one normal marriage. It didn’t stop at shabari either… that guy loves gyno-play. But the thing is… the really fucked up thing, is that he doesn’t want to be doctor nor patient. No no, he insists on shrinking down and being the speculum.
I’m so sorry, America. I have created a monster and thus decided to shut down Marvel Studios forever. We can’t contain Ant-Man because he can shrink real small and his charisma is electric. The least I can do is refuse to platform that monster. Please be on the lookout, he could be anywhere. And whatever you do… don’t fall in love with him…