How to be Poly When You’re Lowkey Single
Now I know what you’re thinking... isn’t the whole thing about being polyamorous to date multiple people? How could you possibly do that if you aren’t even dating one?? To that I say, “actually, polyamory is more about the culture than how many people you’re dating!” Here’s some simple tips to live a greedier lifestyle:
1. It’s All About Branding
The uninitiated don’t understand our special terms and frankly, neither do we! This is why it’s so important to use terms like “non-monogomy”, “mono-solo-poly”, and“solo-poly-with-mono”. I can’t emphasize enough how these words mean nothing but they can make you seem like you’re getting hella puss when in reality you haven’t been touched in months despite trying to be gay for a little cause you thought, “say, those fellas sure do get around”, but you went to the gay club in a crop top and still no takers...da fuck??
2. Don’t Even THINK About Doing the Dishes
Let’s face it, dishes are NOT horny. If you want to be successful at solo ethical poly singledom, you need to be horny pretty much constantly. Plus, now that you don’t have to worry about contributing to your household you’ll be able to use your free time to study foundational poly texts like: The Ethical Slut or Steven Universe.
3. Change Up Your Look!
You know the saying: dress for the relationship dynamic you want, not the one you have. I’m gonna tell you right now without ever even meeting you, your pants need to be about 30 times baggier NOW, BITCH. On that note, go ahead and stop worrying about personal hygiene.You may think that’s counterintuitive when it comes to dating multiple people at once, but you’ve been smelling fine up until now and you’re still single so idk, seems like it’s worth a shot, no?
While these tips may not help you find a partner(s), the most important thing to remember is that polyamory is a mindset. Don’t let being single stop you from cheating, um crap I mean, being open. When you’re showing your friends something on your phone and you get a notification, tilt the screen away from them and get defensive; be vague with your roommates about what time you’ll be home from work; and gaslight constantly! And remember, If anyone ever calls out your behavior, remind them that 10 years from now polyphobia will be as frowned upon as racism!