Review of a Rose Toy I Bought Off Facebook Marketplace
About a week ago I was looking on Facebook Marketplace for a baseball card my boyfriend has been wanting intensely for about a week now. I thought if I found him the Paul Skeens All Aces card he’s been wanting, then he would finally go down on me out of pure excitement. I was but a fool. No ace card, no head. I was getting to the point of horniness where I started rewatching Call Me By Your Name, and realized it was time for a change. That’s how I met Lucinda in Skokie, IL.
Like most people in their early twenties, I’m broke as shit! So I thought I could fulfill my deepest desires and avoid crushing my bank account through a thrifty purchase. I’m not sure why I rented the U-Haul… but that’s a story for another day. The listing on Marketplace read:
Rose Toy
Used–But Good
Needs a new charger
Pick Up Only
$40 OBO
Now, because I’ve been to auctions before, I knew that I had to be the best offer, so I offered $50, and Lucinda instantly put up the “Sale Pending” marker. After exchanging information, I was on my way.
Lucinda was absolutely lovely. The interaction was five out of five stars. She asked me if I was picking up anything else off Marketplace in reference to my U-Haul, and it made me happy someone was taking an interest in my life. Now, I do have to say that the packaging was zero out of five stars, because there wasn’t any. She simply just placed the rose in my hands. Lucinda exclaimed:
“It’s like I’m the Bachelorette and I’m giving you a rose.”
I unfortunately would also say that the reference was zero out of five stars, considering I’ve never watched that show. Anybody who truly knows me knows I only watch political commentary and gay romance even though I’m a hetero libertarian.
I left Lucinda’s house excited and ready to try out my new gadget at home. Once I dropped off the U-Haul, it was time to test. I didn’t bother cleaning it, Lucinda told me she wiped it off, and she had the most trusting eyes. As I placed it on my lady part, nothing happened. It didn’t turn on. I was furious. I decided to rent another U-Haul and drive back to Lucinda’s. Again, I own a car, I’m just used to picking up dressers and bedframes, so this is how I felt most comfortable.
I knocked aggressively and she answered the door. I definitely would say that I regretted my tone at that moment. Two out of five stars. I said:
“DAFUQ IS UP, BITCH?! YOU REAAALLLYYY THINK YOU COULD SELL MY ASS A FAULTY ROSE TOY?”
I was screaming. I spit on her accidentally. She reminded me about the listing and how the vibrator needed a new charger. However, because I’m stubborn as hell, I didn’t respond accordingly.
“DON’T TEST ME! DON’T TEST ME! PUT ‘EM UP, GIRL, PUT ‘EM UP!”
She then punched me in the face and told me to get off her property. Honestly valid, I deserved that. I did in fact tell her to “put ‘em up.” She did what she was told. Four out of five stars, minus one star because she broke my nose.
I then took my ass to the nearest CVS to buy batteries, returned my second U-Haul, and once I got back into the safety of my bed, I got down and dirty. Knock, knock, knock on my door. It’s my boyfriend, holding none other than the Paul Skeens All Aces card. He was ecstatic. The happiest I’ve ever seen any man. However, once he noticed the rose shaped vibrator in my hand, his smile turned into a frown.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“It’s a rose toy.” I responded.
“Why do you need that? I just got the card! Also, what the fucking hell is wrong with your face you dumb bitch?!” he replied.
He wasn’t being mean or actually calling me names, guys. It’s called banter, hunny! Ever heard of it?! My boyfriend then grabbed the toy out of my hand and placed it in a nearby mason jar that was filled with water and all of the vapes I tried to quit recently. I then received the best head of my life, all thanks to baseball pitcher Paul Skeens.
All in all, the day did not go as planned, but it will certainly not be forgotten.
Day as a whole - 3.6 out of 5 stars
Rose Toy Itself - 4.7 out of 4 stars, probably worked, never gave it a chance
U-Haul guest services - 5 out of 5 stars