Valentine’s Day Fun? Chicago PD Set to Start Using Fuzzy Handcuffs, No Safeword

The Chicago PD is gearing up for Valentines day. haha. “gearing” But this year is way different than ever before even. For the first time in history, there is another street gang besides the Chicago Police Department that holds the publics attention- ICE.

“It’s so quiet on the streets, people don’t even throw donuts at me anymore.They just be like ‘hi pig’ and sigh and walk off,'“ Officer Rudy Stanfield says.

Chicago PD has decided to incorporate some bedroom fun to get the valentine’s day spirit up while also retrieving the publics hatred back. Sex shops in Boystown have been completely cleared out. The Chief of Police, Andy Warhol, announced starting February 1st, arrests will include complimentary items such as whips and handcuffs, and if you are a little peckish while being booked, some whipped cream will be provided in the back of the paddy wagon. You will have the right to remain silent when they ball gag you.

“You can’t spell fun without…Pfolice Brutanlity?, says Commissioner Penthouse, “Instead of being bludgeoned for protesting kidnappings and murder by ICE with a night stick, you’ll be bludgeoned with a wink wink night stick and that’s not a euphemism for a penis, we want to make that very clear. We aren’t ICE. UM- Actually Not all of those ICE guys are like that though, one rotten apple you know the saying,”

As the Commissioner started the rotten apple quote, the whole 46th precinct joined in like they were saying the pledge of allegiance.

We tried to interview some ICE agents for their take on this unintentional PD beef, but the fat one who fell on the ice and gave up chasing someone said he is too injured by his fat fucking ass to make a comment, luckily the fat of his ass made it so there was no tailbone structure. His $50,000 sign on bonus was not enough to cover his medical bills so there is a gofundme now. Donate by DMing Tease and Resist for their venmo or zelle or paypal, whichever one you prefer.

“Next time you want to be a bigoted mouth breathing kidnapper you should lose a bunch of weight tubby!” says a newly skinny from not having donuts pelleted at him Officer Rudy Stanfield.

Starting February first, Chicago will also be selling Bail Bondages. Also JD Vance fucks couches.