Barry Manilow Steps in as Emergency Lollapalooza Headliner
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for… CHARLI XCX AT LOLLAPALOOZA! Thousands of screaming well-off blitzed out of their mind hotties foam at the mouth to be blessed by her royal cokeness.
Charli takes a deep breath and- oh my god! What’s happening? Is that a sinkhole? In the middle of the stage?! Charli just got swallowed up. Oh, thank god she’s climbing out. Wait! Oh my god? Are those? Are those sharks? Sharks with guns and knives in their teeth? Charli’s a goner for sure. Wait! What’s this? Charli just roundhouse kicked a hammerhead in, well, the hammerhead. Thank god. Charli takes the stage once more. The crowd goes frickin nuts. Oh, for the love of god, Charli just died of natural causes onstage. After all of that, her heart just gave out. Stay in school, kids.
When the screaming and crying finally died down, the anger started. Teens started stomping, adults started yelling, and old people started becoming politically aware. It was wild. Behind the scenes, the Lollas are scrambling to find any semblance of a solution. Their headliner just bit the big one, and they had thousands of angry, screaming holes to feed. Wails of “what are we going to do” and “why, god, why” rang from backstage until suddenly-
“Looking for someone?”
A figure swathed in shadow stepped into the light. He put out a cigarette on an intern and moaned. It could only be one man. It was Barry Manilow. That’s right, 82-year-old adult contemporary Barry “sleazy listening” Manilow. Everything was going to be okay.
The lights go out. A- not quite a hush because it’s still Chicago, but like a sort of quiet falls over the crowd. What followed was a three-hour sexually confusing flashbang of geriatric gyrating and coked-up grandmother pleasing.
In a bold move, the mighty Manilow performed Charli’s original set list. Transforming her hyperpop into hypopop, Barry did the thing. The audience held their breath as the star took a good five minutes and three stagehands to change satin blouses at the halfway point. He finished with a bang, giving a frankly confusing rendition of Girl, So Confusing. #ally
The lights went down, the crowd dissipated, and the Lollas looked for their savior. When they turned around to thank him, all that was left was a cloud of dust and one rhinestoned Life Alert bracelet.
Thank you, Barry Manilow. I hope you and your manager/husband (musband) continue to be very happy. I love you.