Five Tips to Keep Your Skin & Body As Goopy & Slick As Possible This Summer
The sun is finally out, and you know what that means: It’s Bikini Season!
That’s right, it’s time to dust off those two-pieces and dance your toned buns down to the beach.
Don’t move too fast, though! We have to do something about that dry, flaky skin you built up over Winter. This Summer, we want our skin to glow, to shine, to drip. Forget dewy, all the hottest girls are going GOOEY!
Here are five tips to help you swap that dry skin for a complexion that’s as slick and viscous as you feel inside:
1. Make sure to stay hydrated! Cars can’t run without gas, and your body can’t produce those sweet, slimy oils we so desire without water. Avoid hot showers and baths. These are known to hinder the secretion of natural oils. Instead, we suggest you stimulate your glands with a cool dip. I like to go to my neighborhood pool and float face down, arms-out, Jesus-style so as to maximize the amount of cold water permeating my epidermis at all times.
2. Turn up the humidity! Break out the humidifier, because we want our dwellings to be as damp as our faces by the time we’re done. Studies (done by me, alone, in my house) have shown that the more humid your home, the wetter you get. Go ahead and crank the heat, hang some damp towels, and let the results speak for themselves.
3. Slug...literally! In recent years, the slugging trend has taken the beauty world by storm. I propose we take it one step further. That’s right, I’m talking about sourcing live slugs in bulk and letting them slither across my naked body until I’m thoroughly coated in their goo. What’s better than the real thing? And don’t say Vaseline. Vaseline can’t wriggle its soft, tiny body across my abs until I am slick and shiny like it.
4. Take it slow! Wet, slimy skin cannot exist on a stressed body. Be aware of and present with your Ooze. Be grateful for it. Write it a poem. Show your gratitude for it and it will reward you. No one knows you like your Ooze. You’re never gonna find anyone who cares about you more than it. Especially not that guy from work who brought you an energy drink last Friday. He doesn’t love you. The Ooze loves you. That’s right, come to The Ooze. Let it hold you. Feel it’s embrace as you give it your credit card info and SSN. The Ooze thanks you for your tribute. Oooze Oooooze OOOOOoozeeee–
5. Lock in that moisture! We don’t want all of our work to be for nothing, so make sure to protect that dripping wet complexion with some kind of hard exterior cast. Currently, I travel everywhere under an industrial plastic shipping container with eye holes cut out of the front, but your moisture-insulation-chamber should be personal to you!
Don’t believe that these tips will work? See for yourself.
This is me after a month of following this skincare routine:
Supple and slick with a body so wet I leave a trail wherever I go that says, “A sopping wet baddie wuz here!” Go out there and get goopy, girl!