Why Do Airport Birds Have Better Job Security Than Me?

We all know the job market is a seemingly barren wasteland or that’s what the government or something wants you to believe. So why do I see the same god damn chickadees at Philadelphia International Airport every time I traverse through. I swear these birds must have unionized, they have better working conditions than most people with bachelor's degrees. In fact, I saw one take their 15 minute smoke break without any push back from the big pigeon managing the terminal. Although, I will say they must not have much mental health coverage because I saw one fly into my Boeing 737 engine.

I think the American public should be a little more suspicious of these birds. I mean we have Big Pharma, Big Tech, Big Oil, Big Brother, and now Big Bird. I don’t think Sesame Street can file a defamation complaint against me because my tax dollars keep those puppets employed. So not only do airport birds have great job security, so do the fucking muppets.

And have you ever seen someone walk into a place of business and get hired on the spot? I certainly have had to hunt down emails and make calls to even get an interview. I have a bachelors degree in Comedy Writing and Performance (true statement) and I can’t even get a barista job. Yet these birds fly into O’Hare International, not even going through TSA by the way, and boom they have a job for life, with unlimited access to the free crumbs of Chick fil A I drop on the ground. Also, if the birds don’t have to take their shoes and electronics out, why do I? Perhaps they are harboring bombs and guns, but I can’t even bring my 5 oz. hemorrhoid cream I bought in Japan through the border because of national security. What about my ass security, huh? So this makes me wonder, are birds real?