We Hired a Feng Shui Consultant for Chicago’s Triangular Skyscraper Prison and the Energy Is Immaculate Now!!
CHICAGO — The Metropolitan Correctional Center (MCC), a 27-story triangular brutalist skyscraper prison tucked into the Loop like a tall wedge of manchego, has long been considered one of Chicago's most architecturally significant embarrassments.
To ease optics, Chicago mayor Brandon Johnson brought in feng shui consultant Ashleigh Wei-Hollister, fresh off her stint at the Rockford DMV, where she famously uprooted the Real ID counter, transferring it to the parking lot for maximum chi. Three people reportedly cried. “Tears are a release,” she said at the time. “You’re welcome, Rockford.”
The MCC presents unique feng shui challenges that Wei-Hollister says she has never encountered in twenty years of practice. Chief among them: the cells are triangular.
"I've done the corncob towers. Beautiful chi. Very circular. But triangular rooms generate what we call sha chi, or attacking energy," she explains. "The sharp angles create poison dart arrows that shoot directly at whoever is sleeping there. I burned approximately fifty dollars of palo santo on this floor alone." She pauses. "The previous tenant was R. Kelly. The next tenant will likely be a 28-year-old who lost 11 billion dollars of other people's money on a coin he invented in a Discord server. There's a through line there energetically."
However, Wei-Hollister finds no issue with the actual cell interiors. She taps a combined toilet-sink bolted to the wall approvingly. “How often do you get to have a water feature in your living space? Incredibly auspicious."
The only outdoor space available to inmates is on the roof of the 27-story skyscraper. She looks out over the city skyline. "Now this is a view money can't buy." She pauses. "Well, the federal government is spending $47,162 per person a year here, so I guess technically it can."
Not all of Wei-Hollister’s interventions have been popular — in fact, most of them aren’t. Especially controversial? Her decision to remove the number 4 (unlucky in Chinese numerology) from the cell numbering system, which caused significant administrative confusion.
“Something I’ve observed here is that the demographics are —” she tilts her head, “— very unbalanced. Feng shui is very clear on this. You want diversity of energy in any space. This reads as… a systemic inequality somewhere upstream.” She makes a note. “You know what, I've actually seen this exact bagua pattern before. Redlined neighborhoods. Flint Michigan. Also Blake Lively’s plantation wedding venue.” She produces a paint chip. “Anyway, I’m thinking ‘Free-range Eggshell’ for the east wall.”
In conclusion, Wei-Hollister gives the MCC a B-. She leaves with just one question: "Why are there guards everywhere?"
No incarcerated individuals were interviewed for this piece. Their perspective was not considered during the feng shui consultation either. The MCC is a federal detention facility operated by the Bureau of Prisons. It is not currently accepting reservations.
While the MCC isn’t taking reservations, Chicago Community Jail Support is. They do the opposite of everything described in this article by providing immediate aid to anyone released from Cook County Jail. If this piece made you laugh, make sure to donate here.