TNR’s Comprehensive Guide On Not Making Eye Contact With Marathon Finishers
Hooray, it’s that time of year again! The time when Chicagoland’s limberest and most admirable gather to run around for like a long time in one big circle, sweating.
For those of us who don’t like sucking on packets of goop and shitting our pants, the marathon is just another unwelcome reminder that we are infinitely inferior to those who can run 25 miles or something, I don’t even know.
Oh god, see? There I go, pretending I don’t know how long the marathon is like I’m too good. Like I have better things to do? I don’t. I also run a 35:30 mile.
When the marathon lets out, these heroes are sure to be walking around, getting lunch with their lazy but supportive families, wearing huge participant medals, and welling up with pride over their own enduring spirits. You’re gonna see ‘em, it’s inevitable. But how to act? They know they’re better than you, sure, but are you supposed to comply? Is it fucked up to act apathetic?
Well, our correspondents have tested a plethora of strategies and come up with the most surefire path to success: don’t make eye contact! It’s easier said than done, but here are some tips.
Look Down
This isn’t just a fabulously catchy song from Les Miserables, it’s also the most straightforward way to deal with marathon eyes. Act like there’s something interesting on your shoe! What’s that spot on the sidewalk? Oh, wait, what about that clump of grass? And boom, the runner has passed you by without incident.
Vague Smile
If you’re frowning, they’re gonna notice that you failed to be delighted by their post-finish waddles. That’ll piss them off. Conversely, if you’re beaming and giggling, then they’ll think you find their feat of strength amusing. But a vague smile is a canvas upon which one can paint their imagined praises. Even though to you it’s just a mouth position, to them, it’s a knee jerk reaction to the waft of their evaporating sweat.
Jam Out, Mama!
Headphones are a must! If you’re lost in your own world, a world of song and dance, you can’t be expected to give a shit about these inspiring athletes. So crank those tunes!
Pity them.
It’s kind of sad if you think about it… these people don’t even realize how off-putting their habits are. Like, that’s just sad! You run? Um, yeah, fight or flight much? And you chose flight much? Or something? God, I feel sorry for them. I can’t even look.
So stay safe out there! Remember, just because it probably took years of hard work and training, doesn’t mean it’s wrong to briskly pass them on the sidewalk now that they’re incapacitated. And always always always, avoid the eyes!