Bake Sales Change Name to Bake Standard Retail Pricing + Tax + 34% Tariff.

With the price of ingredients skyrocketing thanks to Trump’s new tariffs cookies are all virtually chipless now, donuts are 99% hole, and even brownies are all corner pieces, which is great for you freaks who like corner pieces, I guess. Groceries are too expensive for the average 12 year old, especially now when they have to cover that tax and tariff on top of it. St. Thomas Aquinas Elementary has decided to push those tariff costs on to the consumer rather than the bakers. The community of Las Viagra is not pleased and local PTA mom Debra Connick Jr has recently reported that bake sales just aren’t what they used to be.

“Back in my day you raced to the cafeteria on bake sale day. Chadwick, Michael, and Murray,” We assume these are her children’s names and not legendary One Tree Hill actor, Chad Michael Murray, setting up shop at a coed middle school peddling homemades, “They have been really depressed working their school bake sale this month. I thought it would be a good idea to sign them up as volunteers, y'know, teach them that if they want to pursue a theater degree or something gay like that, they will have to work thankless customer service jobs until they can comfortably never retire at any age and die. But no one is buying. The proceeds are barely enough to buy the ingredients, let alone cure type 1 and 2 diabetes or C. Diff or whatever we are fundraising for.” says Connick Jr.

With the standard pricing for eggs going about $50 a pop, don’t fact check us on that, people are also less inclined to purchase at the stand because the baked goods taste like shit when there aren’t normal ingredients in it, like gluten, butter, eggs, dairy, etc. At least PTA mom Joan Cusack (no relation) is happy the options are inclusive now. Thanks a lot, Obama.