Online Grocery Order Replaces Orange Juice with 4 Live Grenades

A local woman was startled when she opened her Jewel Osco grocery delivery last Tuesday. A simple check off the to-do list quickly became a life or death situation for Jess Toblerone.

“I told them to replace it with ‘something similar’ and was greeted with four live grenades. Pins pulled. I saw my life flash before my eyes” says Toblerone. “My first thought was ‘oh my god these are grenades I’m gonna die’ and my second thought was ‘I’ll have to tell Kelsey I can’t bring the mimosas to brunch and she’s going to be so disappointed in me. She finally trusts me enough to invite me to her brunch with her friends from home and now what, I’ll put gun powder in the champagne? I can’t do that, it would look so stupid. I’m sorry I didn’t go to Yale like you and all your friends I’m trying my best.’”

When asked to comment, Jewel Osco said, “We train our shoppers to think outside the box. When I ask you ‘What’s the closest thing to an orange?’ you may say ‘a clementine’ or even ‘an organic orange.’ You would be fired on the spot. That’s not the kind of the outside of the box thinking we demand of our visionary shoppers. When someone is asking for an orange, what they’re really asking for is sex. Danger. Vitamin C. Grenades get the blood pumping. They make you question the fragility of life and force you to live in the moment. And what is a grenade if not a hard metal orange?*” When asked about the hourly wage and labor conditions of the so-called “visionaries” at Jewel Osco, Jewel Osco crumpled a bag of chips and said the connection was breaking up. This interview was held in person.

Jewel Osco was expected to appear in court on Friday but sent one military-grade tank in its stead. Toblerone will be appearing in court next week for a case involving the gun-powder poisoning of four blonde white women.

*This reporter did some digging and learned that a grenade is actually named and modeled after the pomegranate, not the orange.