Several Fatalities After 7th Grade Boy’s Paper Airplane Crashes at La Guardia

Hundreds of flights are grounded and so is a 13 year old boy after a paper airplane crash at La Guardia airport killed 5 people. “That’s the last time our company participates in Take Your Kid to Work Day,” stated United Airlines CEO, Jett Pack.

A Boeing 737 flattened a private plane after swerving to miss the rogue paper aircraft during takeoff. “We were already gaining speed down the runway when I saw it. It was so small, I figured it was a regular plane just really far away,” explains Captain Lawrence Fish-Man, airplane pilot and fully human man. “I didn’t know what to do. They didn’t cover this in pilot school! I took a hard right and heard a crunch.” That crunch was the sound of ABC’s Bachelor in Paradise plane being obliterated.

“It’s a sad day in paradise,” ABC tweeted on Saturday. “Find out who won’t be returning to the island on Monday at 8 p.m. EST!” This response to the tragedy garnered mixed reactions with some viewers calling the tweet insensitive while others said it “made damn good T.V.”

While the identity of the 13 year old boy who threw the notorious paper plane is being held from the public, many travelers fear he, or someone like him, could be on their next flight. “I saw a young boy in line at TSA and I almost canceled my flight,” shares Hagnes Mess. “I mean, he might not have been thirteen. He could’ve been eleven or twelve, but they’re all basically the same. They just shouldn’t be allowed to fly.”

Zack Schrodinger, an airport security worker, told us, “I saw a boy crumpling up his trash at one of the restaurants. Now, I don’t know how to make a paper airplane, but I could’ve sworn he folded wings. I almost dropped the kid then and there.”

La Guardia airport has stated that until a thorough investigation of the crash can be completed, all paper products will be banned from the airport. “And yes,” they reiterated, “that includes the bathroom. Get ready to be hosed down.”