6 Hidden Gems of Chicago I Would Show You If You Would Just Fucking Date Me Already. Please

One of the most excellent things about the city of Chicago is its continual offerings of new and exciting things to do. Just when you’ve gotten bored, you catch wind of another fabulous attraction! Here are a few of the places I would introduce to you, if you didn’t have an endless amount of excuses as to why dating me is “not on the table.” Even though I’m clearly in love with you.

1. The 606

You probably think this trail is completely unassuming and boring, just like you clearly think I am. But if you visit, you’ll find the walking path to be well manicured and peaceful. Seems kinda ridiculous that you would overlook a place like this, but that’s just me.

2. Northerly Island

Once a landing strip for private planes, this island south of Grant Park is now home to a natural area with native habitats. This hidden gem is off the beaten path, but I’m extremely persistent and completely in love with you. I would move heaven and earth to be with you, and also Northerly Island is accessible from the Lakefront Trail, so we could easily take a divvy scooter there.

3. Oasis Cafe

This Mediterranean restaurant is tucked away inside a jewelry store in the loop. The idea of me taking you here is dripping with metaphor. You are full of diamonds and I would search endlessly to find your oasis. Please for the love of god… just date me. Please please please please please please please please please please please please.

4. The Pedway System

Many Chicagoans commute downtown daily without ever knowing about this system of underground tunnels for pedestrians. I have tunnels within, and no one knows about them or touches them. Please, I know there are others out there for me but you are the only object of my affections. If I can’t have you I’ll go celibate forever.

5. The Bahá'í House of Worship

I know, I know, this is in the suburbs and everyone knows about it, but I don’t care. I want to worship at the altar of your body. Also, there is a really cool garden here.

6. The Museum of Surgical Science

This museum is equal parts creepy and fascinating. If you’ve ever wondered how modern medicine got to be where it is today, look no further! See what’s inside the human body like you never have–like the human heart: the one you repeatedly rip from my chest each time you deny me. I would kill to show you this hidden gem of a museum, if you would deign to say yes.

It’s so sad that you’ll probably never see any of these incredible things our city has to offer because you’re simply not interested in me. However, I understand that by repeatedly denying me, you’re subtly asking me to wait for you to come around. In the meantime, I’ll continue to explore all the fabulous attractions that make us all say, “Chicago, you are my home!” Come home. Come home to me. Please. I love you and that will never change.