Who Would Win in a Fight: Joan of Arc or Tow Mater From Pixar’s Cars (2006)?
Fire crackling. Engines roaring. Witchcraft. A giant metal hook. Today I dare to ask the brave and vital question:
WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT: JOAN OF ARC OR TOW MATER FROM PIXAR’S CARS (2006)?
Through laborious research, I have discovered that the outcome of a fight can be determined by three factors: Weaponry, Intelligence, and Charisma.
Weaponry - Mater
Now, the casual Joan of Arc fan may leap to say that Joan has an advantage, what with her being the leader of armies and liberator of France. To that I say “READ A BOOK, IDIOT.” Although the French girl has an iconic sword, she never actually wielded it in battle. In fact, Joanie Girl used her sword to chase prostitutes out of her camp. Not in a killing way so much as a “Why I oughta!” way, which was not very sex-positive of her. Her position on the battlefield was more that of a beacon of hope.*
Mater, on the other hand, has a giant metal hook attached to his body that he uses frequently. And you’ll remember that Mater famously wrestles monster trucks under the name “The Tormentor.” Who needs weaponry when you have fists!? Or tires? I guess it would technically be tires. He could also just run her over. Joan of Arc wouldn’t know what a car is. She might die of fright like the Victorian Orphans who eat sour skittles.
*If Joan was in a phoenix-like state of flesh and flame, however, her fire might be able to ignite Mater’s gas tank resulting in a loss on both sides.
Intelligence - Joan
Joan of Arc was never educated in a school because of, you know, sexism. But! She received the divine knowledge of various saints and GOD when she was fourteen and became a master war strategist at 17 years old.
Mater, meanwhile:
Finn McMissile: I never properly introduced myself: Finn McMissile, British Intelligence.
Mater: Tow Mater, average intelligence.
He said it himself. And if we’re being honest, “average” is generous.
Charisma - ???
Now folks, this is where we’re left at a bit of a toss up. One cannot ignore the magnanimous charm of Sir Tow Mater (he is knighted). He is helpful, optimistic, and able to befriend just about anyone. Joan, on the other hand, rizzed up a Dauphin so hard that she was given the entire French Army at 17 years old. She regularly had people willing to die for her.
Conclusion
As you can see, the results are inconclusive. Where Mater has an advantage in weaponry, Joan has the clear advantage in intelligence. Both are charismatic as hell. Their power is matched on both sides, potentially resulting in a cataclysmic struggle through space and time. Tune in next time for
Who would win in a fight: Queen Elizabeth I or Mike Wazowski from Pixar’s Monsters, Inc. (2001)?