Is Spewing Volcano Just Active or Bulimic? Scientists Decide
As of last Saturday, Hawaiian locals have been surprised and concerned over the sudden increase of activity from Mauna Kea, a typically dormant volcano on the Big Island. Harvey Davies, a seasoned tourist and spitter, told us,“Every night at three in the morning I hear this bubbling belching sound, and when I look out my window I see lava spewing from her mouth!” I wiped off my face and thanked him for his time.
Numerous residents have experienced loud noises coming from Mauna Kea late at night, leaving locals to believe the volcano is trying to hide her eruptions. “We’ve never seen a volcano only be active at night,” explains Dr. Rosenvault, a highly respected geologist. “I tried tracking her activity over a few nights, but she would only erupt if I turned around or went to the bathroom. It was really irritating.”
Even individuals outside of the scientific community are noticing Mauna Kea’s subtle changes. “I swear she’s sucking in,” claims local boat tour captain, Meghan Blunder. “I’ll catch glimpses of her during the day where she looks super thin from the side, but at night she’s big again. I thought it was an optical illusion, but then I thought nah, I have really good eyes.”
Geologists are claiming the cause of Mauna Kea’s sudden activity must be a natural shift of molten rock beneath the surface, but disgraced scientist Perry Buttstack has been promoting a very polarizing hypothesis. “Bulemia,” Perry said while digging a popcorn kernel from his teeth. He only agreed to meet for an interview if I took him to a movie. “Some hot shot on a fishing tour saw her and was like ‘that volcano is so big and wide. Too wide for a guy like me. I’d never have sex with that.’” We were shushed immediately after this.
“Mauna Kea already has such low self-esteem because she’s a volcano. Like, that’s basically Earth’s asshole.” Perry wiped his spit covered hand on his pants before going in for more popcorn. “Don’t get me wrong, I like ass. Ass in shorts, ass in a chair, ass sitting on a cake–,” Perry’s cut off by a shush. “But some guys don’t,” he continued. “I’d have sex with Mauna Kea. I even told her to make her feel better. But she’s still spitting up.” We were kicked out of the movie theater before I could ask a follow up question. I’ll never know how the Super Mario Galaxy movie ends.
Despite Perry’s personality, his explanation has been gaining traction among locals. Small groups of people have begun leaving flowers at Mauna Kea’s base, whispering compliments into her rocks, and even driving laps in a speed boat around the island’s perimeter while playing “I Like Big Butts” by Sir Mix-a-Lot. Surprisingly, these efforts have caused the volcano’s late night spew sessions to become less frequent.
“Never underestimate me!!! I know how to treat a woman,” Perry posted on Threads. He followed this post by sharing a link to a GoFundMe for his fiftieth birthday trip to Mt. Kilimanjaro captioned, “I have some stuff I wanna do…stuff I wanna do to that mountain.”