The Type of Birth Control You Use Based on What You Call a “Vagina”
Pussy - “I only say it during sex!” While this might be true, you have also most likely found yourself at the 24-hour Walgreens at 2:00am once or twice for a good ol’ Plan B. You knew THE PILL wasn’t going to prevent that set of twins that runs in your bloodline! “I’m only on the pill to regulate my period!” Aren’t we all, diva… aren’t we all…
Vajayjay - Okay, I don’t want to assume anything, but you probably say “vajayjay” for one of two reasons: You’re a mother, or you’ve looked at your vagina a little too closely in the Jeffree Star Conspiracy palette mirror. We’ve all been there, sis, and we know you have a NUVARING.
Cunt - Jesus, you’re scary first of all. You are simultaneously the person I want to be, and the person I loathe. Kind of like JLO. God I hate you… but also twerk on me! Your mean-spirited boss bitch energy means you definitely use the PULL OUT METHOD.
Punani - This is one of the most sensual words to date. If I ever hear you say punani, I want to give you a big hug, add you on Pinterest, and make you a board with your name as the title and pin pictures of everything you loooove. How about that cute Urban Outfitters duvet cover I know you want? Ooo, I just found a pin of a water bottle that looks like a Burts Bees Chapstick. Would you like that? Would that be good for you? I love you. Wait what? You’re cute. Call me. Also, you definitely have the IMPLANT.
Beaver - Hey, new boyfriend named either Scott, Ryan, or Ben, I don’t know if you know this, but your girlfriend’s massive bush and your SPERMICIDAL LUBE doesn’t stop pregnancy. A bush is not a dam. It’s a lifestyle. YOLO!
Coochie/Cooter/Cooch - If my assumptions are correct, you’ve definitely been invited to a Galentine's Day potluck in the past. In the group chat, you definitely said, “I’ll bring the char-COOCHIE board!” Ew. Are we still saying this? Also, were you the one that fucked the host’s brother in the bathroom? If so, you left your CONDOM behind!
Vulva - We fucking get it, okay! You’re the belle of the ball. Jesus, you’re perfect. I bet your gynecologist moans out loud when she examines your puss. I bet your hetero boyfriend would describe himself as a munch. Fuck you! I need you! Rip your IUD out and give it to me now!
Hoo Ha/Foo Foo - I really hope you find your clitoris someday. She’s a great hang. Until then, enjoy that ABSTINENCE thing I’ve been hearing about!
Kitty - Meow! Hiss! Ow, please stop scratching me. I get the sense that you collect gel pens, and that you definitely own an iPad that you use as a computer. What dat Apple Pen do?! What do I mean by this? IDK! This is my article, damn! How often are you ovulating, because I also get the sense that you use the RHYTHM METHOD.
Yoni - YOOO ni likey! Girl, what that PATCH do?! Is it similar to a nicotine patch? Wait, did you used to Zyn? There’s no way a bandaid prevents pregnancy, right? Can you Zyn while pregnant? Where am I? Jesus, I’m not educated enough to be talking about any of this.