Did Someone Die? How to Tell If the Person Who Died Matters.

It’s 2pm on a Tuesday. You have scrolled to the bottom of Tiktok, Instagram, Facebook, and Whatsapp. Nothing. Is. Happening. Suddenly: a news alert appears on your phone. “John Smith, dead.” You don’t know who, what, where, when, or why this man matters. But you know that if you don’t have the appropriate response on your timeline in the next 10 minutes, you are toast. Here’s a helpful checklist to see if the person who died is worthy of a post, story, or wayward frown.

Do you know this name?

We know you don’t “know” this name. But do you know it? Like, do you recognize it? The cadence of the syllables and vowels… it sounds like someone you’ve heard before… Maybe they are married to a celebrity you kind of tangentially know from an HBO series. Maybe they are the cinematographer for a movie that had shitty cinematography. Or maybe they are related to you (by marriage or by blood). If any of these feel right… you may be entitled to attention on the internet and you can move on to the next question.

How hot are they?

Look up this person’s picture. Maybe you still don’t recognize them upon seeing their face… only the name rings a bell. But… are they attractive? If you can’t find pictures of them on the internet, congratulations! You do not need to care whether this person lives or dies.

What are their credits?

Now that you’ve clarified that you would bang this dead person and they are worthy of your mourning time, let’s check out their IMDB. Are they making big budget features? Or just the lowly indie? But wait! Don’t discredit an indie dead guy too quickly. Is it indie in a sad way or, if given the opportunity to live a long and healthy life, would they be joining the ranks with Noah Baumbach and David Lynch? You don’t want to miss the opportunity to post about someone who may someday make a cultural impact. They might even be worthy of a grid post!

Finally: How did they die?

Cause of death can make even the most nameless among us worthy of respect. For instance: A man named Mike died today on the corner of 57th and Broadway. This faceless man dies in anonymity and we can all continue on with our lives, right? Wrong. Mike died by diving into the street and getting smashed by an oncoming car, in protest of Wall Street. He cites Luigi Mangione in his suicide note. Get out the accordions, friends, because we just nabbed ourselves a martyr!

We hope this helped!