How to Prepare for a Dreary Chicago Summer Written by a Girl Who Has the Hardest Life on Planet Earth
Ugggghhhh fuuuckkk, oh my God… it’s almost summer? Shoot me. You seriously might as well kill me as this summer will be the WORST. SUMMER. EVER! Because summers in Chicago are notoriously horrible, I thought I would do my due diligence and provide readers with preparation tips on how to make this season more bearable. If you're a resident of the WORST city in the world, this is for you. Let’s begin:
Take a dip in lake Mish (Michigan) - So, you decided to go down to the beach with all of your dearest friends… rookie mistake. I recommend not doing this at all, but mistakes happen. Luckily, Lake Michigan is right next to you if you ever want to escape from the horror that is passing a joint around with your friends, eating the most delicious snacks in the sunshine, and wearing your cutest swimwear. Since all of these activities are mentally draining, jump into that lake, Bitch!
Work at a restaurant - If you want to die! You’re telling me you want to work at the local brewery with all of your best friends for six hours a day making $35 an hour? Your pockets will be so full of cash that you will collapse from the weight of it on your walk home through Boystown! SAAAVE YOURSELF! Don’t even get me started on how the bosses at these establishments don’t cut you before closing when you show up just a wee 30 minutes late. Grudge much? It’s my God given right to leave whenever the fuck I want to, Kyle!
Wear a skier’s mask every day - This is the only form of proper sun protection. Protect yourself from hideous sun-kissed freckles by never showing your face. Oh? You desire a “summer glow?” I heard there are neon masks that glow in the dark! Problem solved! Sit in your room, close the blinds, and hibernate all summer. It’s what the bears would want. The Chicago Bears that is.
Go to a baseball game - If you want to have the least fun day ever. You want to spend $5 of your brewery cash on a ticket to watch the sexiest men on earth run a few bases? Embarrassing. “Go Cubs Go,” more like: “I will not be attending the game.”
Sleep in till noon - If you want to be a failure. You don’t work till 6pm? Okay lazy… wake the hell up and cry for a few hours if you want to feel productive! It’s seriously not that hard, I wake up at 5am every day to regret everything bad I’ve ever done, and I am the most normal and awesome person you will ever meet.
Yeah, so that’s basically how to have the best, dreary Chicago summer ever. Truth be told, it will never be the best because it’s summer and you live in Chicago, but you will find a way out of this terror eventually. Trust me! Also, I’m looking for a roommate in LA this fall and I’m paying $4,200 for a two-bedroom one-bath. There are no closets and the nearest laundry machine is in San Diego. Yes, the rent is $3,420 more than what I’m paying in Chicago, but I’ve been searching for the right moment to be broke and unhappy. Let me know if you’re interested and dying to get out of the hellscape! Toodles!